Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
