And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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