He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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