it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
