I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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