my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
