there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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