he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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