she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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