I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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