i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
