I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
