A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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