69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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