i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
