Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
