When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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