i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
