If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
