ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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