I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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