I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
