Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
