Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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