I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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