I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
