I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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