I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
