I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
