I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
