My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
