so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
