He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
