this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
