Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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