Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
