Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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