i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
