tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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