I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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