I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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