woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
