If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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