I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
