just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just want to make out with him forever
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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