Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
