I cut my penus on the lid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
