How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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