her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
