You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
