before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
