Please, let me fuck your mom
I could make wine with my vomit
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
