I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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