The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
