either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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