Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
