drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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