Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We have so much sex to catch up on
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
