Can i not drive my cunt home
I can tuck mytits in my pants
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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