Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Mom said you looked used
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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